Your Worth Isn't in Their Opinions

This past week, I’ve been getting hit with what feels like a bombardment of attacks from “Old Cole”.

Old Cole used to place so much of his worth in other people’s opinions of him. He would constantly pedestalize people living a life he wasn’t even sure he wanted, but he thought he wanted. And that was enough to pedestalize them.

He would then try to force his way into their activities. He envied their closeness; their bonds he didn’t share. There were opportunities to become a part of their group, and so, he would willingly be the guy they never fully respected. They could tell by his energy that he didn’t have much respect for himself, the way he allowed them to shape him into what they needed him to be. Yet nobody was forcing him to do this but himself.

A significant portion of his thoughts would revolve around what they thought of him. He would overanalyze texts he sent, wondering if he used the wrong words which implied the wrong things, and try to visualize what they must’ve been thinking to themselves regarding those messages.

An awful lot of unneccesary stress and self-loathing came from that need for control. But he couldn’t stop. If he didn’t know exactly how these people thought of him, (especially if he had the suspicion that their thoughts of him were inaccurate) he would drive himself mad.

A need to control other people’s opinions of us is primal—it comes from our biological need for survival, which used to require us to be liked by as many people as possible.

But there’s also what happened to you. Experiences that shaped your formative years that reinforced the idea that other people and their lifestyles held the keys to your happiness. Self-acceptance held no weight, because your own opinions of yourself weren’t believable. Your lack of achievements, and the way you were treated strengthened that idea.

Every once in a while, you’re gonna get glimpses of your old self, beckoning to you. It will try to tell you you haven’t changed, and that your worth is still determined by other people.

Do not run from it. It’s the part of yourself that is desperately seeking the love from others that you can give to it right now. It won’t be aware that you can give that love to it until you genuinely take the time to listen to what it’s trying to tell you.

Face it, listen, and acknowledge it. Tell it what it’s been dying to hear from others.

It won’t be believeable at first. It will be hard. But you must release your need to control others, and focus on the only thing you can control—the way you decide to show up for yourself.

Book Chronicles #2

As promised, I’m here to give you updates on my upcoming novel, Fractured Worlds. (That name is not official yet.)

This week wasn’t filled with a ton of progress. If you read the newsletter above, you’ll know I was dealing with a few things I thought I had already moved on from.

The good news is that it makes for great material for my main character. A lot of my thoughts and experiences during my adolescent years will be making it’s way into his identity. Maybe I’ll be able to learn a thing or two about how to fully process those things through the story I create in this book.

On chapter 3 now. When I first wrote this chapter, it was straight garbage. That’s why most of the progress this week lied in editing rather than story progression.

What matters most is that I just sit down and keep writing. Something beautiful eventually makes it way onto the page if I do that enough.

See you next week.

Quote of The Week

Thanks for reading, everyone. Hope you enjoy your weekend.

-Cole