Why Most People Suffer In Relationships

My girlfriend hadn’t texted me in two hours.

Immediately, my mind turned to the worst case scenario. What could she be doing? She didn’t tell me she had any plans that would keep her off her phone for this long.

Finally, I received a text back. I pryed at any details I could get from her brief “disappearance” to ensure she wasn’t doing anything unfaithful. In the back of my mind, I was still skeptical she was telling the truth.

Does this sound like you? Then it’s likely you have trust issues based on an insecure attachment style.

I used to habitually go through the ritual I just explained due to the fact that I was anxiously attached.

If you aren’t aware of what that is, an anxious attachment style is when you have an insecure fear of abandonment in your relationships, and need constant confirmation that your partner does, in fact, still like you.

The only time you aren’t worrying is when they are helping you coregulate—meaning, they are the one that is calming you down and giving you reassurance all the time.

This is unhealthy for both partners in the relationship, because:

1. Each partner needs their own individuality outside of a relationship, and their own time to process/reflect.

2. Relying solely on coregulation will be disastrous if you ever find yourself devoid of any relationships.

Now, of course, your partner should be making an active effort to meet your needs. Coregulation, and having someone to lean on sometimes is one of the reasons being in a relationship is so great.

Communicating your needs and getting them met is also important.

But it’s the overeliance and necessity to know at all times what your partner is doing, needing them to regulate your emotions for you, and know how they feel about you all the time, that can lead to an unhealthy relationship.

Here’s what is really happening: You need constant confirmation that your partner loves you as much as they say they do, because in your mind, it’s very hard for you to believe that you are worthy of being truly loved by another person.

But here’s the catch, and this is how you start to heal: This is only a part of you, not the whole.

Within you is this part of you that feels deeply insecure when your partner isn’t always giving you all the information and attention in the world.

And the key is to temporarily separate yourself from that part of you, ackowledge it, and treat it the way you wish your parents (who probably caused the anxious attachment style) would’ve shown you love as a child.

Ask yourself: How do I wish my parents would’ve loved this part of me? Or, if your insecurities stem more from past relationships or friendships, ask: How do I wish my previous partners/friends would’ve treated me?

Answer those questions. Sit with the emotions. Gain a better perspective on them. And eventually, that insecure part of you (that does NOT represent who you are today) will come up less often.

This process is going to be really difficult—especially when you try to do it by yourself, and you have a hard time believing your own words about how worthy you are of being loved.

If possible, this sort of healing becomes so much easier when you have a group of people supporting you.

Because this self-improvement journey can get really lonely.

And it still blows my mind how many people aren’t willing to talk about self-improvement in real life.

Imagine you were part of a community like that.

A community that held you accountable for getting better, and helped you develop skills that completely changed the way you feel about yourself.

Kind of like a school, but for self-improvement.

I wanted to make this into a reality.

And that is why I created my Self Mastery School.

The Self Mastery School is a place for those who want to actualize their greatest potential, strengthen their self awareness, build better habits, and break the cycle of self-sabotage.

When you join the school, you’ll get access to:

• Full length courses/eBooks

• Weekly coaching calls and lectures (related to self-awareness, making money online, social skills, etc.)

• An exclusive community of ambitious, open-minded people

• In person meetups (coming soon)

The friendships in there feel genuine.

And I have a feeling you’re going to find your tribe in there, too.

Here's some wins from our community:

I’ll see you in there.

Quote of The Week

Thanks for reading, everyone. Hope you enjoy your weekend.

-Cole