Why Is It So Hard To Have A Social Life Now?

What’s good everyone,

Before we dive into the newsletter, I just wanna announce that I have started a free community for you to meet like-minded people on self-improvement, get access to free eBooks and other resources, and receive advice.

If you wanna check it out, you can sign up by clicking here.

I also think you’ll find that the community is very relevant to my writings in this newsletter, so I’ll link it near the end, too.

The Modern Home/Work Cycle

By the age of 20, most people slowly drift away from the friend groups that defined the character of their adolescent years.

As finances become more prevelant, and jobs go from a “Yeah, that’s gonna suck when I get there” to a, “Holy shit, now I have to take this seriously”, it becomes exhausting trying to juggle all the different, but necessary aspects of life.

This is a coming-of-age tale as old as the invention of the education system.

So why is it gradually becoming more prominent now, besides the obvious and ambiguous answer of, “technology”?

1. Longer commutes - Though the 40 hour work week has stayed the same since the 1930s, the length of our commutes have increased since the 1980s. That means we have less time to spend actually socializing, along with the fact that a lengthy commute makes you far more stressed (and less willing to put in effort to socialize after work.)

2. More remote work - An indirect result of a longer commute (and an easier time accessing all the resources you would need for your job at work) is the increase in remote jobs as well.

3. Urban development - The way city-streets are structured in most major cities in America makes it pretty damn difficult to walk places and hang out on any street. Most streets are occupied by wide roads and apartment complexes.

4. It’s technology. Yeah. I said it was too obvious, but let’s be real. Social media gives just enough of a feeling of being social, and distracts us just enough, so that we don’t spend as much time socializing with people in real life.

And all of this was exacerbated by the pandemic. Nice.

If you get stuck in this socially isolated trap brought about by modern society for too long, you’ll find yourself emotionally, physically, mentally (and maybe even financially) drained.

The answer?

Third places.

Third Places

Do you have a place outside of home or work where you can just… hang out?

If not, then that means you don’t have a third place.

And if you don’t have a third place, you are basically handicapping your well-being.

The formal definiton of a third place is equivalent to the first sentence of this section—it’s a place where you can regularly hang out with other people outside of a work or home environment.

Third places usually have these characteristics:

1. People are there simply because they wanna be there. They are free to come and go as they please with no consequence.

2. Playful conversation is the main activity—although, you could technically just hang out there and people-watch.

3. There are regulars. You create relationships easily because you see the same people all the time.

4. It has a playful atmosphere. It’s a place where you can turn off your “work” mind and just chill.

5. You should feel recharged after being there. Just like you relax after a long day of work at home, your third place should evoke the same vibe—except it will be due to the activities and people, instead of just isolating yourself from the world.

Yes, third places are harder to come by now.

Yes, I know you’re busy and don’t have a lot of time.

But you can’t use that as an excuse.

And while online third places CAN be super useful (which is why I recommend you join my free online self improvement community), the evidence shows that it’s most likely not as effective as third places in real life.

My advice?

1. Find something that interests you—It can be related to work, but it probably shouldn’t be (unless work isn’t stressful to you.)

2. Do a google search for communities related to your interest in your area, or use Meetup.

3. Make a commitment to yourself that you will start going at least 2 times a week.

Still can’t find a third place even after putting in all that work?

Create it yourself.

Be the person who makes the increasingly-scarce third place. Find a place for you all to meet up, be the leader that creates a space for anyone to pop in and out of, and you will become an initiator for a place that so many people are subconsciously begging for.

If you do that, I bet it’s gonna feel damn good.

And hey, even if people don’t show up, you still did something outside of your comfort zone.

It’s possible that you just need to try a different approach. Either that, or you just need to deepen your search of a pre-exisitng third place.

You know how important community is. And if there was ever a time you even felt the slighest urge to pursue one outside of work, this is your sign.

A Higher-Level Community

I’m so excited to have a free community for you guys to hang out in.

But if you’re looking to take it a step further, and truly emulate a third place by virtually hanging out with me, and dozens of others trying to improve their lives, you should consider joining my Ultimate Self Mastery School.

The Ultimate Self Mastery School is a place for those who want to actualize their greatest potential, strengthen their self awareness, build better habits, and develop a fulfilling life.

The school features 14 videos with 15+ worksheets, a guided meditation, and an exclusive community where we all hold each other accountable and give further advice.

It’s a culmination of years of research on behavioral science, psychology, and of course, trial and error from my own life.

And it’s specifically designed for those who want to go deeper than superficial YouTube videos/articles, make close friends who uplift them, and gain a better understanding of themselves.

Being able to actually apply the advice you receive, and get consistent feedback from like-minded people are probably the two most important factors in seeing permanent change.

And I’m guessing you currently feel like you can’t talk to anyone in real life about your struggles with self-development, right?

That’s why our community meets in a group coaching call every other week to make sure we are all staying on the path towards self mastery.

It’s also been an incredible way for everyone to open up about things that they have been going through, have accountability surrounding the habits we are trying to build/remove, and get feedback and advice without judgement.

And because of that, the friendships in there feel genuine.

It’s easily the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever created.

Here's some recent wins from our community:

Watch the intro video on that page to see if the course is right for you.

Hope to see you in the community.

Quote of The Week

Thanks for reading, everyone. Hope you enjoy your weekend.

-Cole