What Everyone Gets Wrong About Self-Love

The Usual Advice For Self-Love

We’re all told that self-love starts with… well… ourselves.

And there is no doubt some truth to that statement.

The typical ways we go about self-love, which usually involve:

• Realizing many of the beliefs about yourself, and what you think you need in order to be happy are false beliefs created by shitty people

• Changing the actions you do on a daily basis to make positive thoughts come more easily–such as keeping promises to yourself that you will do challenging things that induce growth

• Changing the types of things you listen to, and the people you surround yourself with.

• And accepting your insecurities, flaws, and negative thoughts, and becoming friends with them

are all very valid and useful ways to start to start perceiving yourself in a more positive light.

But there’s a certain statement I always see get thrown around about self-love that I’ve observed to be false sometimes.

And it might be the key to unlocking the next level of loving yourself.

Love Others, Love Yourself

It’s common for people to say that you cannot love others until you love yourself. 

But what I’ve found is that, in many cases, its actually the opposite.

It is often the case that you cannot fully understand how to love yourself unless you expose yourself completely to another person.

And you can only do that if you’re willing to give your heart to someone fully.

I have a friend who, for the sake of anonymity, we will call Chase.

Chase had quite the rough upbringing. He grew up with divorced parents, and his mother kicked him out of the house when he was just 16 years old.

During this time, he mostly slept at one of my other friends’ houses, and they would often do very hard drugs to distract themselves from the suffering they both went through.

It even got to the point where he almost took his own life.

But then, Chase met his (now) wife, and everything changed.

He learned what it meant to dedicate yourself to a relationship where you’re trying to build something special and meaningful.

And his wife was able to show him how great he could be if they worked together to create a mutually beneficial life.

Fast forward around 7 years, Chase and his wife now own a home together, and have a wonderful, healthy daughter who gives both of them a massive sense of purpose.

Chase’s response to all of this?

“Life is beautiful”.

And that was all created through his love for someone else.

I can attest to this same sort of development—although, not in the exact same way.

In my most intimate relationships, which have now spanned over 9 years with 3 different women, I have learned more about myself and my blind spots than any amount of imposed self reflection and journaling could ever do.

Because in that time, I learned how to truly take care of another person, how to make them feel wanted and appreciated, and how to meet their needs to the best of my ability.

For the vast majority of my life, I wasn’t even willing to do that for myself—partly because I didn’t even know how to.

But when you become really close with someone you admire, there’s no other option.

Along with that, someone you experience love for, who feels a similar way towards you, can also point out your weaknesses or impulses that you’ve either been unable to see, or unwilling to acknowledge.

And those might be the parts of yourself that you’ve needed to be more aware of all along to finally start realizing how incredible of a person you are.

What I’m describing here doesn’t necessarily have to be with just one person, let alone a person you call your boyfriend or girlfriend.

But it does need to involve being vulnerable enough to give a part of your love to another person who will reciprocate that closeness and companionship back to you.

You have to be willing to take that risk of opening yourself up to the world—which includes all of these other vulnerable, insecure humans—if you really want to start loving the parts of yourself that you’ve been unwilling to love, because you did not yet have the right perspective with which to see those parts.

And that’s what a close relationship with another person will give you.

So take the risk, pay attention to how you love other people, and in that experience, you’ll find that how you love is often a reflection of how you need to start loving yourself.

The Other Side Of Self-Love

The one constant amongst all practices of self-love?

It takes a ton of work.

It might take years of deliberate action, mindset shifts, and the right influences, but you can create an identity that will make you wake up everyday and want to do nothing but enjoy whatever life has to offer.

I wished that there was a resource to help people understand what they’re actually capable of (which is always WAY more than what they think), and teach them the methods that I’ve used over the years to become the most financially, mentally, and physically fulfilled I’ve ever been.

And that is why I created my Ultimate Self Mastery School.

The Ultimate Self Mastery School is a place for those who want to actualize their greatest potential, strengthen their self-love, build better habits, and develop a fulfilling life.

The school features 14 videos with 15+ worksheets, a guided meditation, and an exclusive community where we all hold each other accountable and give further advice.

This course is a culmination of years of research on behavioral science, psychology, and of course, trial and error from my own life.

And we meet in a group coaching call every other week to make sure we never stray from the path of self mastery.

It’s been an incredible way for everyone to open up about things that they have been going through, and get feedback and advice without judgement.

It’s also been a place to build relationships with people online who genuinely care about giving you love, and seeing you win.

I’ve never felt so much love from something I’ve created than I have with this course/community.

Here's some recent wins from our members:

I look forward to seeing your growth.

Quote of The Week

Thanks for reading, everyone. Hope you enjoy your weekend.

-Cole