How Your Brain Tricks You To Be Unhappy

A Brief Recap On The Human Species

Let me give you a little recap of the human species—so far as we know.

A few hundred thousand years ago, were the first homo sapiens.

That’s us.

Running around in dirt and eating bugs and whatever edible things we could get our hands on.

(Also side note. It would have sucked to be one of the first humans to test out eating a certain berry from a bush, only to find out it was poisonous, and die. I'm glad we don't have to deal with that anymore.)

In this era of our humanity, the main concerns we had were:

1. How am I going to find my next thing to eat

2. Where am i sleeping tonight

3. And where can I find water

I’m sure connecting with others mattered, but we probably put our survival in rank 1 of importance over wondering if neanderthal Fred was judging the scar we got on our face from trying to catch a fish with our mouth.

Then, as we figured out new and improved ways to hunt, gather, and keep ourselves alive, our problems started to evolve.

We created civilizations for large groups of people to live in harmony, work together, and exchange ideas.

This brought about questions such as, “How do we continue advancing as a species–not just for our survival, but in the pursuit of pleasure, cooperation, and purpose?“

And this is when institutions dedicated to teaching others about a certain set of beliefs, rules, and morals to follow, both religious and non religious, started to form.

The Big Problem

Here’s the big issue.

The time between when our brain evolved for survival, and when we actually got to the point where we built large-scale civilizations that allowed us to focus on higher self-callings…was around 50,000-100,000 years.

Meaning that, the entire time our brain was developing into the brain we all know and love today, we were still in that survival mode.

And here is where some of our biggest modern problems stem from—the fact that our brain is an ancient piece of hardware whose top priority is to keep us safe and secure.

NOT make us happy.

The Feeling That We Should Be Happier

We currently live in a reality completed detached from what the brain was originally designed for.

And since we’ve gained the ability to thoroughly analyze each part of the brain, and the role of each part, the most talented marketers, brand consultants, and software developers have spent an awful amount of time manipulating your mental state to default to, “I should be happier right now.”

When we look at the lives of others at face value—through social media, or even how they appear to us on the streets everyday—and the lives of others APPEAR so much better than ours, that signals to our brain that we are not on the same level as these people, and don’t fit in with them.

Our brain then interprets this as a sign we aren’t fitting in with the pack (which was detrimental to our survival for our first hundred thousand years or so), and releases certain chemicals, which then lead to certain negative thoughts, which then leads to our unhappiness.

And it tries to make us unhappy when we’re in that state, because we are much more likely to do something about our current predicament if we become extremely uncomfortable and depressed.

Sometimes, negative emotions can be extremely useful.

For example, if you are angry at a friend because they consistently insult you and make you feel worse, that’s a sign from your brain that your life would be much better off without them in it.

But when it comes to feeling like we should be happier, most of the time, it’s a result of our brain fabricating problems in order to get us to conform as much as possible (and therefore, have a better chance to survive).

Either that, or there is something genuinely worth adding/removing from your life that is ACTUALLY the right thing to do.

What You Can Do

If you are stuck in this state of feeling like there’s always more to be doing—that other people must be so much happier than you, and live a much better life than you—you need to use the knowledge of our brain to start making it work FOR us, not against us.

The beautiful part about the human mind is that, while it’s physical structure cannot be changed too much (after the age of 25 or so), we can change the way it continues to function throughout our entire lives through what we willingly choose to do, and think.

You have the ability to turn an unhappy, insufferable state into a more positive one, and be content, while still striving for more.

I think Mark Manson put it best when he said, “The desire for a positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.”

Acceptance of your current situation, while also doing what you can to improve your current situation and reach your highest actualization, is a very tricky game of tug-of-war.

But in terms of the acceptance part, one of the best ways I’ve found to reduce the feelings that you should be happier, or happy all the time, is something called “Acceptance and Commitment Training” in psychology.

Here’s the simple reframe: instead of identifying with the negative emotion or thought itself, and thus, saying, “I am (negative thing)”, you simply see it as neutral; as something that just “is”.

So for example: If you are thinking to yourself, “I am depressed”, you instead observe the thought from an outside perspective by thinking, “I am having the thought, “I am depressed””.

This detaches you from the state in which you start to convince yourself that you are that one thought, and nothing else. The depression you are feeling might be VERY real, but you can observe it without immediately identifying with it. And when you do so, it becomes much easier to handle.

If you do this, on top of realizing what we learned in this newsletter (that our brain is designed to make us survive—and that it will fabricate negativity if it thinks that will get you to take more action to stay safe), it can be much easier to deal with those times when you feel sad for no reason.

Another Thought

There’s something else that really struck me a couple years back when I was in my old apartment.

As I laid on my bed, I briefly looked at the large lamp that was at the desk near the end of my bed, and quickly put my open hand up over my face so I wouldn’t blind myself.

What I noticed was that, in between each finger, was a small crack where the light could pass through.

And as I moved my hand back and forth, I thought this to be a good metaphor to life.

While much of life is spent in darkness, there is always light that shines through.

But only if you continue moving.

If you never stop moving, darkness will only be temporary.

And those dark stages are necessary to even know what the light looks like.

Improving Your Ability To Regulate Yourself

It’s a very long road to fully feel the things I’ve described here, and to gain the self-awareness to know when your brain is trying to fabricate your unhappiness.

It requires you to dive deep into yourself, and see what beliefs and experiences have shaped your identity up until this point.

And then, understanding how to permanently rewire those neural pathways so you can always handle what life throws at you is a whole other process in and of itself.

But self mastery is truly, the most rewarding undertaking of one’s life that we can now partake in (since we don’t have to worry about getting attacked by lions and bears.)

If you want to truly master yourself for good, learn how to build habits that last for the rest of your life, and you want to join a community of like minded individuals all looking to improve, you should check out my Ultimate Self Mastery Course.

The course features 14 videos with 15+ worksheets, a guided meditation, and an exclusive community where we all hold each other accountable and give further advice.

This course is a culmination of years of research on behavioral science, psychology, and of course, trial and error from my own life.

Being able to actually apply the advice you receive, and get consistent feedback from like-minded people are probably the two most important factors in seeing permanent change.

And I’m guessing you currently feel like you can’t talk to anyone in real life about your struggles with self development, right?

That’s why our community meets in a group coaching call every other week to make sure we are all staying on the path towards self mastery.

It’s also been an incredible way for everyone to open up about things that they have been going through, have accountability surrounding the habits we are trying to build, and get feedback and advice without judgement.

And because of that, the friendships in there feel genuine.

It’s easily the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever created.

Here's some recent wins from people in the community:

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Hope to see you in the community.

Quote of The Week

Thanks for reading, everyone. Hope you enjoy your weekend.

-Cole