Why You Always Go Back To Bad Habits

The Deep Problem Of Bad Habits

A few days ago, I composed a tweet/YouTube community post that explained why bad habits always seem to creep back into your life, no matter how hard you try to remove them.

Here’s that post, in case you missed it (it’s worth reading again even if you have seen it):

You can’t remove your bad habits because you aren’t addressing the real reason you do them in the first place.

Most people go about habit removal by:

• Removing things that trigger them to do it

• Replacing the habit with something more beneficial

• Using pure discipline and willpower to stop

And those are all useful.

But until you treat the root cause of the symptom—because bad habits are almost always a symptom of a larger problem—you’ll always fall back to it.

I used to smoke weed almost every single day from the time I was 15 until I reached the age of 23.

But when I turned 23, and I decided I was going to quit… it took almost no effort to stop.

How? 

Well, I hadn’t realized it at the time, but I no longer lived a life that felt like weed was necessary in order to escape from my problems.

• I had just moved into my first apartment

• I was doing so much self reflection and finally fixed many of my insecurities

• And I genuinely enjoyed the purpose I was pursuing (even though I was making little to no money yet)

So the natural outcome of existing that way, was being a person who didn’t want to smoke weed much (if at all).

Root cause = fixed.

Most people think that by removing some bad habit, it will fix their life. 

But it’s often the other way around.

By fixing your life first, you will naturally not want to do your bad habits.

There’s something that your bad habits are providing an escape from, that causes too much emotional distress to want to deal with it properly.

And if you find and fix the root cause, only then will you stop having the urge to do it completely.

It will feel almost effortless, too.

The Root Cause

After making that post, the most frequently asked question in the comments was, “How do I find and fix the root cause"?”

So allow me to answer that question in this newsletter.

The most effective way to figure out the root cause of a habit is not to look at the habit itself, but what surrounds the bad habit.

For example, let’s say you have a terrible habit of fapping several times a day, and you want to either stop completely, or only do it once or twice a week.

Instead of just saying, “Alright, let’s block all p*rn websites on my computer, delete Instagram, and stay off social media as much as possible”, pay attention to what your inner and outer world looks like right when you get the urge to do it.

Questions to ask yourself right when you feel triggered to do the bad habit are:

• What time of the day is it?

• What’s my current emotional state?

• What was I doing right before I got the urge?

• What do my thoughts look like?

• Where am I feeling all of this in my body?

When you start to build awareness around the habit, and you do this enough times, you’re going to start to notice a pattern.

And analyzing that pattern is the key to finding the root cause of the issue.

Let’s go back to the fapping example.

Let’s say this person, after answering those questions multiple different times, finds that:

• They feel extremely stressed

• Loneliness feels stronger than usual

• It’s right before they’re about to do some difficult work

• The thoughts that come up are “This life shit is too hard, I just want somebody to love”, etc.

If that’s the case, then the root cause of wanting to fap religiously is:

• A temporary relief/escape from loneliness and stress

• A way to avoid doing the hard work that will benefit their life

If I was this person, I would try to do some introspection, and try and figure out why I feel so lonely and stressed, and why I think I can’t handle it.

After doing that, they would probably find some deep-seated beliefs that they’ve been telling themselves for years, that the outside world reinforced, such as:

• “I don’t deserve to give myself the love I want from others”

  And

• “I’m scared of trying to go because then there’s the possibility of failing. And failing has brought me so much pain in the past.”

This person would then have to start the process of learning to love being alone, treating themselves as a significant other would treat them, and sitting with those negative thoughts more, instead of immediately being reactive to them by fapping as a way to escape them.

I would also suggest that they make a stronger effort to find more connections, whether platonic or romantic.

Now, this doesn’t mean that the traditional way of habit removal is useless.

You should still try to create as much friction as possible between you and the bad habits.

And you should try to find something that produces the same sort of relief/feelings of connection that fapping provides you, but from a much healthier source—especially at the start.

But this process won’t become permanent, if you don’t fix the parts of yourself and your life you can’t stand to heal or face.

Improving Your Ability To Find The Root Cause

It’s one thing to try answering the questions that get to the root cause of your beliefs.

But it’s another thing entirely to be able to instantly become aware of when you’re triggered to do something you know you shouldn’t do—and then, start the introspective process of healing the root cause.

Before you can start to change your identity (which, after all, is what your habits consist of), you first must get to the point where you can accept yourself for who you are right now.

And that might be the scariest, most confusing thing you can do…

But self-mastery is truly, the most rewarding undertaking of one’s life.

If you want to truly master yourself for good, learn how to build positive habits that last for the rest of your life, heal your trauma, and you want to join a community of like minded individuals all looking to improve, you should check out my Ultimate Self Mastery Course.

The course features 14 videos with 15+ worksheets, a guided meditation, and an exclusive community where we all hold each other accountable and give further advice.

This course is a culmination of years of research on behavioral science, psychology, and of course, trial and error from my own life.

Being able to actually apply the advice you receive, and get consistent feedback from like-minded people are probably the two most important factors in seeing permanent change.

And I’m guessing you currently feel like you can’t talk to anyone in real life about your struggles with self-development, right?

That’s why our community meets in a group coaching call every other week to make sure we are all staying on the path towards self mastery.

It’s also been an incredible way for everyone to open up about things that they have been going through, have accountability surrounding the habits we are trying to build/remove, and get feedback and advice without judgement.

And because of that, the friendships in there feel genuine.

It’s easily the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever created.

Here's some recent wins from our community:

Watch the intro video on that page to see if the course is right for you.

Hope to see you in the community.

Quote of The Week

Thanks for reading, everyone. Hope you enjoy your weekend.

-Cole